It does not matter if it is by design or of our own doing, sooner or later we all take things personally and we feel to some degree offended by others. At this point, I’d like to explain what I mean, when I use the words ‘take things personally’. By the words ‘take things personally’ I mean that you feel impacted in some form or manner by what others say or do in a ‘normal’ every day context. In other words, you would consider yourself the victim of those words or actions of the other party or parties involved. That impact can have many faces and or voices.

How do people take things personally?

The impact of taking something personally can express itself in numerous ways. This can be in feeling stressed, in feeling embarrassed, attacked, betrayed, upset, offended, angry, hurt, resentful, etc. Imagine for instance, someone makes a remark about the way another person drives. As a result of that, this person might feel insecure when driving or they may feel angry if they believe they are a much better driver than the person who just made the remark. At any rate, as you can probably see, the remark in this example could call up a great variety of feelings and emotions in the person at the receiving end.

In any event, be that as it may, interestingly enough, what if in the example above the person did not criticise, but complement the way the other person drives? This could and would most likely call up a totally different range of inner and outer reactions in the receiver, would it not?

This feeling that it’s personal

Believe it or not, this feeling that it is personal is actually a choice you make. The fact that you perceive criticism or insult, does not mean you are actually being criticised or insulted. In fact, it only means that you perceived a valuation that you believe to be negative. Ask yourself this: where do your emotions live? Have they taken up residence out there, in the ether, do they live in another person or are they in reality part of you? Can you look inside someone else’s head, can you hear their thoughts, can you truly know what their intentions are?

You make a choice

Given that, in all honesty, we do not know the intentions of the person that is at the source of our taking things personally, we have no real way of knowing their true intentions and emotions. And even if they did mean to criticise or insult, it is important to realise that they are not at the helm of your feelings and emotions. I mean seriously, would you like them to have that much power over your being? You are at the helm of all your emotions. No one else is responsible for your emotions and feelings. As a result, if you are the one in control, then that can only mean that it is your choice. So, what can you do in this situation?

Take yourself out of the moment in which you take things personally

One simple option available to you in the heat of the moment, is to ask yourself: “why on earth am I feeling upset (insulted, angry, etc.)? What’s the big deal here? Did the other person truly mean it the way I believe they did? Does it matter if they did? Could they have meant something altogether different?”

Consider the fact that the person concerned, is as much entitled to their views, ideas and opinions as you are to yours. Is it really that relevant, important or even interesting that they have an opinion that differs from yours? Isn’t in fact the really interesting question why you react the way you do?

Place yourself in the position of the other person

Try if you can see things from another perspective as well. Maybe you come to the conclusion that your part in the situation is, after all, not so insignificant as you initially assumed. Also consider that the other person might feel upset if their intentions where nothing like those that have led to your reaction. It is possible they feel as misunderstood as you do.

Practice detachment

Opinions, ideas and points of views are not who you are. If your identity depends on those, rejection and upset are always around the corner. Whenever someone disagrees with you, they show up. It is important to make a distinction between your inner sense of who you are and your thoughts. Your points of views, ideas and opinions are merely a part of your being. If you learn to detach those from your identity, you open yourself up for another part than that of victim.

Learn to live with imperfection

Are you a person who expects other people to act and speak in a specific manner? Should they behave as you do? Must they share your ideas? And if they don’t will you then feel upset, angry, offended, etc.? If that is the case, then who made you the general norm? Learn to live with imperfections of other people and accept that they are not you, that they are different from you, and that this is fine. It is only when you are able to achieve this, that you can take matters in your own hands. As a result, you will stop being a victim and take responsibility for your own feelings and emotions.

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